I have been blogging so inconsistently,and I am wondering if perhaps I should change that since my memory is so poor I can hardly remember events a week ago. But I know I will keep up with it for a little while and then forget about this space as life catches up with me.
I feel more or less settled at work. I remember feeling like I dont belong the first month at work, because I felt like I couldn’t have a conversation with my colleagues and the days just dragged by. But I am grateful I stuck at it, because now I cannot imagine working without them. Of course there are bad days, but they are few and far between enough for them not to cloud the good ones. I am still guarded though, I am not naive enough to lay out everything before them and put myself in a vulnerable position. But this has unfortunately creeped into other aspects of my life, where friends would ask how I am doing and I find it difficult to go beyond the initial ‘busy/ good.’Someone once told me I listen but dont share, and I guess that is true to the extent that I am at work.
However when things are going well I start to feel uneasy. I get worried that in a repeated cycle a wonderful peak does not stay forever and sooner or later things will dip and I have to struggle with the few bad days before things start looking up again. Otherwise I get bored, and I want to do something. The last time I felt really stagnant like this was maybe two years ago, and I went to shave my hair for lack of something else to do. Now I would like to travel or take up something new. The former I have to put on hold because I am trying to save money for bigger plans, which does not sit well with me because I am impatient and incredibly inept at waiting. The latter…I am a bit lost as to what I can do. After all, many new skills/ activities requires money. Or well, I am thinking if I should change my job.
Which I know I shouldn’t, I haven’t gotten everything I can from this job yet. I am not exposed enough, nor experienced or adequately skilled. So stay I must, though I can hear the doubts in my head. This was hardly what I thought myself to be doing when I was young, I had such wistful and fluffy ambitions, but I forgo all those for the more practical ideal of earning money. I am now contemplating getting a second degree, to work and put myself through part time school. If I do nothing I feel like I am resting on my laurels and wasting time. But if practicality wins over ideals, I will never know what it could have been if I followed through with what I really want to do.
And this is where the boyfriend and I differ. I am worried constantly about the cost of living and the standard of living that we can afford, and he is appalled by my ideals of life and feels working beyond 5.30pm is wrong and overtime a ridiculous notion. I put too much value on money and hold materialistic ambitions too high, whereas he shuns such notions and thinks one can be perfectly happy just being comfortable.
My mum thinks I having the makings of a selfish individual, that my being so constantly plagued by money worries for the future is wrong and I should learn to be patient. It is almost impossible for me to comprehend her point of view, how is my wanting a better life for my family and my children selfish? Though I am mystified by how I have turned out to be so mercenary and somewhat materialistic. Obviously I have lacked nothing growing up and have no tragic past to justify my worries of being poor in future.
